Okay, “young” and “virginal” might be a stretch, but Matt did take me to Coney Island for a maternity photo shoot that he promised wouldn’t involve endless yards of wispy fabric catching the breeze on the beach. Not that there’s anything wrong with those glamazon maternity shoots. They’re just not me.

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Case in point: while this beautiful momma was having her picture taken at sunset…

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…I was busy smoking a cigarette through a Krispy Kreme donut (pre-pregnancy, of course).

But I love beaches! Especially those with boardwalks, roller coasters, and freak shows (we take what we can get here in Brooklyn, so far from the Cote d’Azur). So Matt and I hopped on the F train and rode to Coney Island.

Our first stop was Coney Art Walls, a fabulous new outdoor art museum on Stillwell Avenue. We used to love visiting the Wynwood Walls when we lived in Miami last year, so we both felt right at home amidst Coney’s urban graffiti. At least one of us felt comfortable enough to remove her shirt and pose as the Pillsbury Doughgirl in front of a Buff Monster mural.

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Terry Richardson has nothing on Matthew Burke. Long live the seedy flash.

Nathan's hot dog bloat or baby? You decide.

Nathan’s hot dog bloat or baby? You decide.

We assumed that I’d be refused entry to the Cyclone and the Wonder Wheel, so Matt took some photos of me with my feet firmly planted on the boardwalk.

Baby and I were so sad that we couldn't ride the rides.

Baby and I were both so sad that we aren’t allowed to ride the rides anymore. Or smoke cigarettes through donuts. Too many party police out to spoil our good time.

By the time we reached the freak show gates, we found them locked up for the evening. Good thing I feel like a bit of a freak myself at 38+ weeks pregnant. I may not be able to swallow swords, but some kind of rare creature is definitely bustling around in my stomach. Maybe it’s a mermaid.

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She’s alive!!!

If you’re pregnant and in the mood for a non-cheesy photo session, give us a shout! We are more than equipped to shoot you and your bump, wrapped in a curtain, looking ethereal against a background of sand dunes and dolphins at sunset, but you *might* have something weirder in mind.